I need to apologize for the long delay in my writing process. I'm sorry I haven't published anything new like I said I would. Besides giving you the typical excuses like the holidays, college, job-searching, and being with the people I care about, I will give you the ultimate truth that you deserve to hear.
I am toying with the idea of deleting Midnight Candle...deleting all its successes, fails, hopes, and goals from the Internet and my mind. I am playing with the idea of destroying all my attempts to call myself a devoted Eclectic Pagan like I have claimed I am. It is only fair if I put this news on the table. I've been contemplating how to write this depressive note. It probably isn't depressing for you, but the thought of wiping my body clean of coming in touch with Spirit is depressing for me.
I have endured enough from this experience. For years, I have endured too much obsession, threats, tears, fights, and petty drama that I no longer would like to inhabit in my brain. You see, I am at the point where I can barely take much any longer. I have been thinking heavily about the topic of where I stand spiritually and I feel like I may not be a Pagan after all. Science has won me over. The thought of worshiping an imaginary world hidden in the sky has become dull. Unacceptable. Too imaginary. It is a product of my psyche's wishful thinking that hopes for something more. I hope to see my dog Cody again. I obsess over the idea. But, from studying topics ranging from consciousness to quantum physics and everything in between, I feel like I do not belong here anymore. From not "belonging" to the Pagan heart, I feel that it is not fair for me to sit on this chair and continue to say that I do belong to this blog. I have given you all a piece of myself that I keep hidden from the world, from those around me. But, it is a world that I've hidden that doesn't match up to my opinions anymore.
Everything feels dead. I like the lessons, values, and morals I have seen through the Pagan perspective. Currently, I am confused of what feels right. Practicing either Wicca or modern-day witchcraft spiritually feels decent, but I'm not sure if I could totally fit there 100%. Now that I have learned about the pineal gland, how scientists can provoke the Out of Body Experience, how organized religion offers blind faith, I question if I'm a believer of a Goddess and God at all. This doesn't mean I'm advising anyone to turn away from their faith; you are fortunate to have the psychological comfort of belief in something extraordinary. I long for that, but I am seeking more scientific and philosophical evidence that can support that kind of a belief for me.
I sat with my long time therapist and told her about this situation. She looked me in the eye and asked why I'm still writing the blog if I'm second guessing my beliefs. That is a good question.
I need to keep this page up for other people. A wonderful being out there emailed me, distraught and seeking advice for leaving the Broom Closet. Their situation felt close to home like mine. I almost cried. For once, I felt as if someone could look up to me for wisdom and advice. Writing this blog has helped me to express my thoughts and feelings for myself. There sounds like one last reason to keep pushing through this confusion.
I apologize for the length of this letter. I only need to find more faith in me...