One Month Later: Update

Hello, readers!

I took time off to truly ponder what this spiritual journey will hold in store for me if I do go out of my way to pursue a new path.

Several people have asked me if I've made any new posts. I feel sorry that I ran off, but I think I really just needed a break of obsessing over if my faith is true. I also feel that I definitely needed to cut the chains and let myself soar from the self guilt and pressure of meeting my audience's desire for me to write consistently. Being a college student, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, a cousin, a niece, a guinea pig mother, a struggling writer, and a Pagan in questioning all at once is a hectic load to carry. We all carry this load of different roles we must commit to playing as. My mind was stuck in the role of being a Pagan in questioning at the time. It was straining my relationship with Eddie, the site's page designer and my boyfriend of eleven months. I realized that I couldn't allow myself to drown in the depression of questioning a deeper part of my being. I needed to start focusing more on the people and education in my life. So, I gave the pressure of being an amateur blogger up for quite a few weeks in hope to find some peace within myself. For the past few days now, I have felt an obligation to return. Here I am.

I'm sure I have made myself look like a fool to you all that are so kind and dear to come back to my blog. The amount of views I have received have startled me in a way. It means that 4,180 people in this world have seen my inner thoughts, feelings, and experiences since June of 2014. But, the conceiving of this blog isn't just entirely for me. The new route I plan to take my writing will hopefully spark the thinking process in others out there that are questioning if being a Pagan is right for them. Maybe this blog will help the parents of a newly-confessed Pagan teenager to understand that it is indeed going to be okay if their child worships multiple gods. Whatever may come next on this page, I hope that whoever is reading this right now has gained or learned something. This is my mission; to educate and help others to heal and accept that this path may be a part of who they are. If my blog hasn't done this for anyone, please tell me so I can remove it. Writing this for the benefit of no result would be a shame I'd carry on myself.

Now that I have an opened mind, I will begin to start reading more about other Pagan and witchcraft traditions to share with you. But, you may remember that there were many times where I'd speak vaguely of there being a traumatic reasoning for why I've struggled with Paganism so much. I need someone to hear me.

It has been kept confidential by me to protect the perpetrator. But, why should I conceal his actions when maybe someone is going through a similar problem with someone else? My story may be of good advice to someone else, maybe even you. After deep thought, I have made a decision.

I am going to release my story to you all.  It will help you to understand my thinking and writing about it can help me to better understand myself in this spiritual situation. If you'd like to see this story, come back to the next post once I publish it. Expect that to be sometime in the next few days.

In regards to my last post, I've changed my mind. I will make a new post once a week in order to balance out my focus for my college work.

Once again, I am sorry for disappearing selfishly. I just needed a recovery process from the pressure the blog put on me as a writer.

P.S. I will be creating a Midnight Candle Google+ Community page if anyone is interested. I do apologize wholeheartedly that my blog runs through Google--it just happened to be this way--but I have made a Facebook group for non-Google users that are interested. Also, expect the page design to look and maybe function different soon. The design is boring my eyes!  Thank you for reading!

A Soaring Soul: My Story

Blessings to you all!

All I can say is...wow. Wow, wow, and wow again. As you see in the title, the time has come for some subtle changes I need to build up my spiritual path. Something very unexpected happened last night and I feel incredibly obligated to explain the experience, what I learned from it, and what it means for the near future of Midnight Candle.

As you are all well aware, I'm going through bucket loads of self doubt and anxiety when it comes to involving some Wiccan concepts on my spiritual journey. I am questioning if I believe in any deities at all, if magick exists, and practically if I should just "convert" to Athiesm from Paganism. Science has convinced me that it entirely disproves every spiritual idea, philosophy, and hell, even some quantum science theories!

Last night, I searched up some basic information on Druidism and Shamanism. As I read, I sensed that my interest in Pagan religion has been indeed genuine. I'll explain that part later. After reading, I laid myself down to sleep, but I began to deeply ponder.

For those people that can't practice where they live, outside Pagans will advise them to respect their roommate's wishes and not practice in the home. Instead, the outside Pagans tell the spiritually trapped Pagan to continue to learn and grow until they can practice in a place of their own. I realized that I shouldn't be paranoid about what I believe in during the present moment. I realized that it shouldn't matter if I am struggling with deity worship. I realized that I shouldn't automatically think one friend from my past influenced me into Paganism. I realized that my mom thinking Paganism is my hobby should no longer matter. I suddenly realized that it's okay if I'm questioning some aspects of my current path. I suddenly realized that that friend didn't influence me; she was someone who helped me to learn what true Witchcraft was, which eventually led to me deciding to go Pagan myself. She unlocked me from my confusing childhood when it came to witchcraft in my life. I suddenly realized that my mother's point of view is not my perception of being Pagan. During all of this, I felt an insane amount of releasing. I finally released all my anxieties, fears, and doubts. When I was reading information earlier, I indeed was interested. My heart has been with Paganism. My heart has been with the blog. As I pieced this all together, I felt at utmost peace and joy. The weight of my bitter world has unfolded and disappeared.

I began to text my boyfriend about the whole epiphany until my body began tingling. I turned my phone lighting off and relaxed. Within a short amount of time, the basic signs of an Out of Body Experience picked up. I felt myself rapidly falling. I became startled. I intentionally used my inner voice to remind myself that it was safe and that I could fly and let go. Then, I felt myself soaring. Unfortunately, I could not fully astral project. I saw a quick vision of a distant valley far below me. With that, I felt a deep connection to the earth and then the image faded. I don't think this is as spiritual; I just had memories of feeling connected to the earth before the trance started. But, I found the trance strange because of how natural the flight came to me. It was an amazing experience that I will never forget!

I can't decide what may have produced the miniature OBE. Whatever it was, I'm glad I am feeling refreshed for this blog and for myself.

Let me guess. You've been thinking, "Stacie, get to the point already!" That is where I am headed. When it comes to how Midnight Candle is going to change, I don't mean that it will drastically change. I mean that I will be collecting a large amount of information on different Pagan traditions I haven't gotten around to writing about yet in order to help myself learn and consider new spiritual ideas. Also, I feel an urge to admit one of my flaws with you. I am a very indecisive being. So, if one day you see me claiming to be an Athiest, don't take it too seriously until I begin repeating that statement. I go back and forth between many different thoughts and feelings. I'm confusing in my wonderful ways...! Please know I am only trying to discover myself. There will be times of trial and questioning such as now.

 Something I do know for sure is this; when I went into that trance, I feel as if my soul finally soared away to some resolution and blissful peace!

<script>
  (function(i,s,o,g,r,a,m){i['GoogleAnalyticsObject']=r;i[r]=i[r]||function(){
  (i[r].q=i[r].q||[]).push(arguments)},i[r].l=1*new Date();a=s.createElement(o),
  m=s.getElementsByTagName(o)[0];a.async=1;a.src=g;m.parentNode.insertBefore(a,m)
  })(window,document,'script','//www.google-analytics.com/analytics.js','ga');

  ga('create', 'UA-57608208-1', 'auto');
  ga('send', 'pageview');

</script>

A Heart-Felt Note To My Followers...

Dear Readers,

I need to apologize for the long delay in my writing process. I'm sorry I haven't published anything new like I said I would. Besides giving you the typical excuses like the holidays, college, job-searching, and being with the people I care about, I will give you the ultimate truth that you deserve to hear.

I am toying with the idea of deleting Midnight Candle...deleting all its successes, fails, hopes, and goals from the Internet and my mind. I am playing with the idea of destroying all my attempts to call myself a devoted Eclectic Pagan like I have claimed I am. It is only fair if I put this news on the table. I've been contemplating how to write this depressive note. It probably isn't depressing for you, but the thought of wiping my body clean of coming in touch with Spirit is depressing for me.

I  have endured enough from this experience. For years, I have endured too much obsession, threats, tears, fights, and petty drama that I no longer would like to inhabit in my brain. You see, I am at the point where I can barely take much any longer. I have been thinking heavily about the topic of where I stand spiritually and I feel like I may not be a Pagan after all. Science has won me over. The thought of worshiping an imaginary world hidden in the sky has become dull. Unacceptable. Too imaginary. It is a product of my psyche's wishful thinking that hopes for something more. I hope to see my dog Cody again. I obsess over the idea. But, from studying topics ranging from consciousness to quantum physics and everything in between, I feel like I do not belong here anymore. From not "belonging" to the Pagan heart, I feel that it is not fair for me to sit on this chair and continue to say that I do belong to this blog. I have given you all a piece of myself that I keep hidden from the world, from those around me. But, it is a world that I've hidden that doesn't match up to my opinions anymore.

Everything feels dead. I like the lessons, values, and morals I have seen through the Pagan perspective. Currently, I am confused of what feels right. Practicing either Wicca or modern-day witchcraft spiritually feels decent, but I'm not sure if I could totally fit there 100%. Now that I have learned about the pineal gland, how scientists can provoke the Out of Body Experience, how organized religion offers blind faith, I question if I'm a believer of a Goddess and God at all. This doesn't mean I'm advising anyone to turn away from their faith; you are fortunate to have the psychological comfort of belief in something extraordinary. I long for that, but I am seeking more scientific and philosophical evidence that can support that kind of a belief for me.

I sat with my long time therapist and told her about this situation. She looked me in the eye and asked why I'm still writing the blog if I'm second guessing my beliefs. That is a good question.

I need to keep this page up for other people. A wonderful being out there emailed me, distraught and seeking advice for leaving the Broom Closet. Their situation felt close to home like mine. I almost cried. For once, I felt as if someone could look up to me for wisdom and advice. Writing this blog has helped me to express my thoughts and feelings for myself. There sounds like one last reason to keep pushing through this confusion.

I apologize for the length of this letter. I only need to find more faith in me...