Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Self Confusion About The Craft

Here we go, again!

As you all may or may not know, Midnight Candle has been alive for three months. I've kept it's cauldron stirring, content infused with sage (I wish!), and writing process going onward. As you all may or may not know, I've had my doubts about the existence of this blog to a wide spectrum of people over the past several days. I've wanted to yell. I've wanted to cry. I've wanted to complain and feel sorry for myself endlessly, but nothing would have been solved by doing that. The piece of me that's been dreaming of making this blog a reality since 2012 began to drain away down agony's sink. I was talking to my friends and family about how I began pondering to take it down and move on with my life. I reached out to many Pagans on a Pagan Facebook group I joined and came in contact with wonderful people that helped me with my decision-making, including a brilliant Pagan lady who I will mention in a few moments. I went through a lot of mixed emotions, then.

It's not over. It's far from over. All this success I've obtained would be sacrificed in vain if I happened to pack up my work and leave this witchy office.

That certain Pagan lady and I had an interesting conversation about my thoughts. She asked to see the blog, so I sent her the link. After a bit of patiently waiting, she returned to our conversation and of course I asked, "What do you think?"

She complimented on my content and my writing. But, then she added something that completely threw me for a loop:

"You are very insightful. You should not give up."

All of a sudden, the tough emotions I felt earlier rushed back through me. The memories of my haunted past with religious identity began, and now I must make a vividly honest statement and make sure it's out there for the visitors to know:

I'm confused, everyone. I am very confused as to what exactly I believe on my Eclectic Wiccan path. I'm no teacher. I'm no priestess. I'm no Pagan public figure. I'm no temple builder. I'm no Goddess. Sometimes, it's challenging to even consider myself as a student for the mere fact I must respect my parents and not practice my faith in their home. But, you know what? I'm a young woman who has lived through a traumatic past; that past and it's details will not be explained here because they are personal to me, my family, and the other people I cherish that were involved. What I can discuss related to those traumatic events is how they shaped my spiritual perspective; one tragic experience shaped it entirely. The other one had little religious involvement. I will explain in vague terms for my own confidentiality and for the other person's confidentiality.

That person did not like my spiritual faith. Many tragic and devastating events took place in that relationship. And yes, it was a long distance boyfriend, in case you wanted to know. Basically, several things in my mind took place once that relationship ended. I felt I could no longer relate to the Christian God--I'm still processing why--but I began studying Paganism (Wicca, more specifically) for my own understanding of it's theology and belief system and I compared it to my forced Lutheran studies. That was when I did find some common ground. Satan to me became bullshit, not only because stories that involved Satan from that person were bullshit, but because I began to think, "If the Higher Power truly loves all, then condemning them for following something they thought was an accurate portrayal of the Higher Power is a huge hypocritical idea. And, I knew Christianity followed the idea of sins and forgiveness. I began to criticize the concept of sinning logically. I thought, "So, if we think of one thing that goes against God, we go to Hell if we don't pray for forgiveness? Sinning in my book should be called imperfection. It's what makes the world new, bold, unique, and special. Making mistakes is just human; we don't have to rot in Hell to gain spiritual enlightenment. The power of Karma, love, meditation, reflection, and light is what will bring us to true enlightenment on the human condition." Those things I did solve on my own study time! When I decided I wanted to become serious and find myself as a Pagan, I hit a rough situation. Coming from a monotheistic religion and merging into a polytheistic path was inevitably hard. I studied them both and came to the conclusion that every deity and monotheistic God all has the same name; the Divine Source or the Higher Power. My cousin's wife is Pagan and she told me this perspective. It soothed my transition, and I still follow that principle now. I then began to learn about quantum physics and the theories about how consciousness works within the Universe. I'm still considering that package as I go along on my journey.

The other day sent me into a huge realization; I have grown older. I have gone through trial and error over every aspect of my life and healing from such a hardship was one of them. Maybe it's that time where I've grown and healed enough that my former perspective on some ideas are changing. I must adapt and keep fighting, learning, and growing. I may be only on my way to twenty years old this coming year, but my twentieth birthday will mark my ten year anniversary of reading my first book about Wicca and the moment I fell in love with it.

In my heart, a little witch has grown inside of me since early childhood and here I am now, still with it despite the adversity I've faced. I'm too head over heels with Pagan theology to condemn it from my spirit. There are many things I need to reconsider about my Eclectic path so I can continue to grow with it.

I feel that Midnight Candle is gaining a new purpose. Writing, reading, and learning will help me to overcome the odds of not feeling like I belong here. I have been striving to create great content that entertains and informs everyone who leaves their mark among my page-view statistics on a daily basis. It's been a fun journey so far and Midnight Candle will also learn and grow along with my tradition.

P.S. Once I start getting the feel of what my newer path will look like, I will make a post dedicated to sharing ideas on how to deal with your own spiritual confusion.