My Burden

I need to pour my heart out here, 

Wicca to me holds an endless hallway of diverse doors that lead to enchanting and flawless worlds, a collection of heavenly dreams under my closed eyes. Whenever I happen to open a chosen door, though, the dream of this faith grows a pair of fangs and clenches my soul in questioning. The faith, the practice, and the Pagan community heavily captures me. I'm a participating slave in my own nightmare. I'm sure other followers have questioned and tested their own belief in their path, but I have been using ignorance as prescribed medication to take this headache away too many times. I've ignored the struggle out of fear for how my heart may change. I've been out of the closet for two years. Ever since, my practice has changed--my parents are both Christian and don't want Pagan rituals done in their home--so I respected that. It has drained the physical aspect of my faith away. Thoughts, feelings, and remembrance are my forms of prayer. My mother has always felt that Paganism has been a hobby for me. I used to reject that idea until now. 

I have deeply loved this all since I was a little girl. That will never change. As I grew older, I began legitimate practices. The strong feeling I'd receive during each session can either be a feeling of temporary pleasure or true devotion. I cannot decide which one it is anymore. So, dear Lady, I ask you, "Is this worship truly to honor you?" 

Reality must set in now. 

I consider myself to be more Agonistic or Pantheistic when it comes to the higher power concept. In the past several years, I've struggled with what kind of higher power I'd prefer to follow, leaving myself toward worshiping and studying the Universe, a duality of woman and man, Goddess and God. So, how could I be doing Wiccan rituals for fun when I had actually planned to direct my prayers to the universe in horrible times of my life when I had needed something the most? Let me make the last paragraph of why I feel I am genuine toward my practices. 

I've reflected on those bad times in my life where I relied on Goddess the most. My wisdom on Paganism was getting much stronger. Each ritual I wrote, arranged, and performed were healing. Using ritual as a creative form of prayer helped me to feel heard by some bigger picture while it had helped me to kill the negativity that I practically breathed in constantly. Maybe Wicca alone is the best form of spiritual therapy for me. In Christianity, there is nothing physical to embrace. There are only Bible stories. But, in our settling little colony, we have the physical world and the hereafter to embrace. The physical world holds air, water, fire, plants, animals, rocks, minerals, and chemicals that keep us alive. Paganism's honor of our conscious world has something we know is proven to exist that we can rely on. Maybe that's why Wicca is so empowering for myself. I know there is at least one simple God figure--nature--and that I had been born from the circle of life from it.  

Has anyone else been through such doubts?