One Month Later: Update

Hello, readers!

I took time off to truly ponder what this spiritual journey will hold in store for me if I do go out of my way to pursue a new path.

Several people have asked me if I've made any new posts. I feel sorry that I ran off, but I think I really just needed a break of obsessing over if my faith is true. I also feel that I definitely needed to cut the chains and let myself soar from the self guilt and pressure of meeting my audience's desire for me to write consistently. Being a college student, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, a cousin, a niece, a guinea pig mother, a struggling writer, and a Pagan in questioning all at once is a hectic load to carry. We all carry this load of different roles we must commit to playing as. My mind was stuck in the role of being a Pagan in questioning at the time. It was straining my relationship with Eddie, the site's page designer and my boyfriend of eleven months. I realized that I couldn't allow myself to drown in the depression of questioning a deeper part of my being. I needed to start focusing more on the people and education in my life. So, I gave the pressure of being an amateur blogger up for quite a few weeks in hope to find some peace within myself. For the past few days now, I have felt an obligation to return. Here I am.

I'm sure I have made myself look like a fool to you all that are so kind and dear to come back to my blog. The amount of views I have received have startled me in a way. It means that 4,180 people in this world have seen my inner thoughts, feelings, and experiences since June of 2014. But, the conceiving of this blog isn't just entirely for me. The new route I plan to take my writing will hopefully spark the thinking process in others out there that are questioning if being a Pagan is right for them. Maybe this blog will help the parents of a newly-confessed Pagan teenager to understand that it is indeed going to be okay if their child worships multiple gods. Whatever may come next on this page, I hope that whoever is reading this right now has gained or learned something. This is my mission; to educate and help others to heal and accept that this path may be a part of who they are. If my blog hasn't done this for anyone, please tell me so I can remove it. Writing this for the benefit of no result would be a shame I'd carry on myself.

Now that I have an opened mind, I will begin to start reading more about other Pagan and witchcraft traditions to share with you. But, you may remember that there were many times where I'd speak vaguely of there being a traumatic reasoning for why I've struggled with Paganism so much. I need someone to hear me.

It has been kept confidential by me to protect the perpetrator. But, why should I conceal his actions when maybe someone is going through a similar problem with someone else? My story may be of good advice to someone else, maybe even you. After deep thought, I have made a decision.

I am going to release my story to you all.  It will help you to understand my thinking and writing about it can help me to better understand myself in this spiritual situation. If you'd like to see this story, come back to the next post once I publish it. Expect that to be sometime in the next few days.

In regards to my last post, I've changed my mind. I will make a new post once a week in order to balance out my focus for my college work.

Once again, I am sorry for disappearing selfishly. I just needed a recovery process from the pressure the blog put on me as a writer.

P.S. I will be creating a Midnight Candle Google+ Community page if anyone is interested. I do apologize wholeheartedly that my blog runs through Google--it just happened to be this way--but I have made a Facebook group for non-Google users that are interested. Also, expect the page design to look and maybe function different soon. The design is boring my eyes!  Thank you for reading!

Amazing Update & Breakthrough

I have returned with many new exciting twists, turns, and challenges.

But before I start, here's a belated Happy Yule and Happy New Year shout out to everyone reading this right now. Life got hectic in the holiday week for me; I fell down with a cold, I had to attend six different holiday parties, and I had to help my family and my boyfriend's family out with Christmas/Yule preparations. Now that the holidays have passed and I still have two days left before I return to my college studies, I have found the time now to share with you an important breakthrough I had encountered just yesterday and how this will change the blog. I promise you that Midnight Candle is about to get more interesting, because...

The content on this blog will no longer focus on Wicca or general Pagan beliefs. I have discovered that I am not a true Pagan. I've been more towards being a spiritual Witch, an idea I have considered pursuing before. While I run through the flames of trying to find something new and more suit for my beliefs at this time, I will begin to study these different paths:

1) Shamanism

2) Druidism

3) Athiest Paganism

4) Traditional Witchcraft (more in depth from 5-9)

5) Fey Witchcraft

6) Dianic Witchcraft

7) Hedge Witchcraft

8) Sabbatic Craft

9) Cochrane's Craft

10) Buddhism

I want to begin to explore a variety of faiths and magickal beliefs in order to start finding myself. I have been suffering with the concept of blind belief immensely due to my former involvement in a emotionally abusive relationship. I have done some long and  hard thinking about this, but I think I will share my relationship story with you all to better understand my current situation. I considered shutting the blog down and running as fast as I could from this, but if I write about my faith exploring journey, I can help myself while helping out people in the same type of situation. Therefore, I feel there is a purpose to keep posting my adventure in Paganism to the public eye.

In regards to the new material I plan on creating, a new schedule will be set. I will make two new posts in advance and they will be published in the same week.  So, expect to see two posts per week added to the site. Keep watching for new posts because it's about to get very interesting and eclectic here. Thank you for all of your time and patience with my ever-changing ideas. I appreciate you all. You have my life so much more exciting!  Please follow me on my blog social media profiles or please feel free to subscribe to Midnight Candle for future updates on new posts. Blessed Be, blessings, and cheers!

P.S. I'm about to hit my first 4,000 pageviews worldwide. Only one thousand more until I reach the milestone of 5,000 pageviews!

Deity Worship & My Philosophy

This evening, I will be discussing my philosophical thinking about deity worship. Due to struggling with my questioning on if I should believe in deities or not, I have taken the time and consideration to determine that the theory of deity worship is not needed by any means to be a Pagan or witch. Spirituality is a matter of the heart; religion is what lists out the "special requirements" to fit a certain faith group, better known as a certain "label".

I have been fighting myself and I have lose the battle. Like a hero trying to break free from the grasp of a dragon's claws, I have failed myself by thinking I should fit my beliefs within a certain type of Pagan faith. While I like some religious dogma from Wicca and agree with it, the idea that I should believe in a God and Goddess is too frigid for me to even contemplate anymore at this time in my life. But, as I thought about it, I had an epiphany. The God and Goddess, the male and female energies, are only metaphorical concepts to personify the mystery of the Divine so we can better relate to the mysteries of the Universe. Don't get me wrong; I am not trying to belittle any belief form. I write this in spite of sparing my own spiritual sanity! I also feel that this article could help someone else who may be thinking along a similar line as me. Now, we all know that Witchcraft and Wicca are two different routes to take. Witchcraft is a small fraction of Wicca's religion. Not all Wiccans practice witchcraft or magick, but if someone is a Witch, then they most likely are indeed practicing magick. Witchcraft is a metaphysical practice whereas Wicca is a modernized Pagan religion! In Witchcraft, the belief in deities is not needed or required. A Witch must believe in magick in order for it to cast and shine.

Being a Pagan is a bit different. From the perspective of labeling what a Pagan is, they say that Pagans should believe in and worship a multitude of Gods and Goddesses. The counteractive part of that statement is this; all Pagans can be seen as pantheistic. Pantheist means that "All is God or God is all." Pantheism strides in the sacredness of nature and Earth. Therefore, someone who desires to claim themselves as Pagan without the belief in deities could adopt the pantheist beliefs instead. This is what I could do. This is what other questioning Pagans can consider, as well!

How do you feel about this? Feel free to leave a comment and let the discussion begin!

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A Heart-Felt Note To My Followers...

Dear Readers,

I need to apologize for the long delay in my writing process. I'm sorry I haven't published anything new like I said I would. Besides giving you the typical excuses like the holidays, college, job-searching, and being with the people I care about, I will give you the ultimate truth that you deserve to hear.

I am toying with the idea of deleting Midnight Candle...deleting all its successes, fails, hopes, and goals from the Internet and my mind. I am playing with the idea of destroying all my attempts to call myself a devoted Eclectic Pagan like I have claimed I am. It is only fair if I put this news on the table. I've been contemplating how to write this depressive note. It probably isn't depressing for you, but the thought of wiping my body clean of coming in touch with Spirit is depressing for me.

I  have endured enough from this experience. For years, I have endured too much obsession, threats, tears, fights, and petty drama that I no longer would like to inhabit in my brain. You see, I am at the point where I can barely take much any longer. I have been thinking heavily about the topic of where I stand spiritually and I feel like I may not be a Pagan after all. Science has won me over. The thought of worshiping an imaginary world hidden in the sky has become dull. Unacceptable. Too imaginary. It is a product of my psyche's wishful thinking that hopes for something more. I hope to see my dog Cody again. I obsess over the idea. But, from studying topics ranging from consciousness to quantum physics and everything in between, I feel like I do not belong here anymore. From not "belonging" to the Pagan heart, I feel that it is not fair for me to sit on this chair and continue to say that I do belong to this blog. I have given you all a piece of myself that I keep hidden from the world, from those around me. But, it is a world that I've hidden that doesn't match up to my opinions anymore.

Everything feels dead. I like the lessons, values, and morals I have seen through the Pagan perspective. Currently, I am confused of what feels right. Practicing either Wicca or modern-day witchcraft spiritually feels decent, but I'm not sure if I could totally fit there 100%. Now that I have learned about the pineal gland, how scientists can provoke the Out of Body Experience, how organized religion offers blind faith, I question if I'm a believer of a Goddess and God at all. This doesn't mean I'm advising anyone to turn away from their faith; you are fortunate to have the psychological comfort of belief in something extraordinary. I long for that, but I am seeking more scientific and philosophical evidence that can support that kind of a belief for me.

I sat with my long time therapist and told her about this situation. She looked me in the eye and asked why I'm still writing the blog if I'm second guessing my beliefs. That is a good question.

I need to keep this page up for other people. A wonderful being out there emailed me, distraught and seeking advice for leaving the Broom Closet. Their situation felt close to home like mine. I almost cried. For once, I felt as if someone could look up to me for wisdom and advice. Writing this blog has helped me to express my thoughts and feelings for myself. There sounds like one last reason to keep pushing through this confusion.

I apologize for the length of this letter. I only need to find more faith in me...

Samhain: Celebration Ideas

As you all know, Halloween and/or Samhain will be here in eleven days! While the children are finishing their costumes' last touches, carving creepy pumpkins, and making their last minute Trick or Treating plans, us Pagans are awaiting the ending of the spiritual year to reflect when the veil of the spirit world is at its thinnest point. Many covens and solitary practitioners already have their ritual ingredients ready to be mixed in their cauldrons. Many Pagans already memorized their chants and prayers. But, you're not alone if you haven't established how you will be celebrating Samhain this year. I am at a debate with myself as of when and where to put my ritual work to action. I am also feeling positive that our fellow Broom Closet members are highly struggling with forming Samhain plans. I'll tell you a bit about what my plan is Samhain is and I'll lend you some ideas to help you establish your sacred plans!

My Plan

Knowing that I cannot perform a formal ritual due to my living situation, I have a simple but spiritually, emotionally, and mentally charging type of ritual I'd like to perform as my spiritual year in 2014 comes to a rapid close. My recent experience with my friend Ally and her oracle card deck is highly pushing me to follow it's advice. As you all know, I have been struggling consistently with the passing of Cody back in 2013. When I pulled the "Letting Go" card from Ally's deck, it hit me that the root of my thirst to find full belief in the afterlife is from my death anxiety from Cody's death. The negative pain of losing him has sent me to a breaking point; I know I need to let go, but it is a challenge. I want to communicate with Cody about how I've been feeling. I want him to know I still love with all of my heart and that I hope I will see him again, whether that be through a second dream or when my time here on Earth comes to a close. I've decided that Samhain would be the perfect time to release my fear, to release my doubts, and to release my tears. I have focused on his death. As his little human sister, I have put his life in vain because I allow my thoughts to indirectly "celebrate" his death rather than remember his life. I want to celebrate his life. I want to find a closing point in my grief and be able to smile and laugh and think of the good times, not how those good times ended. My Samhain night will consist of having a tear-jerking letter written to Cody prepared. I will be with people I am close to and comfortable to cry (if need be) by, and I will take my letter outside and burn it until it is purely ash. I am doing this to not only release my drained mental energy, but I am doing this because I want to release my love to Cody and "talk" to him, if that makes sense. The veil will be at its thinnest point which is perfect timing to achieve some possible form of communication. My friends keep inviting me to their parties and late night graveyard walks. I have not officially decided what my social celebration of Halloween will be yet. No matter what social celebration I choose to attend, I will find time to perform my much-needed release.

Celebration Ideas! 

If you are stuck, here are some homemade ideas as to what you can do with your splendid Samhain night:

1. Celebrate your deceased loved ones. If you want a simple ritual for this, all you need is pictures of the people or pets that you want to celebrate and a white candle. Place the pictures on a table and light the candle in a safe setting. You can sit around with a bunch of traditional Halloween candy your kids bring home or with a hearty autumn supper and recall your memories with the loved ones you are celebrating.

2. Attempt to make contact with someone on the other side. This can go both ways; you can either plan a complex ritual or if you can't look unnatural, you can use some professional Broom Closet tips. You can use a pendulum, a Ouija board (for the Halloween effect; use caution if you do this), or try some meditation. You can do this with friends or family members who would be open to experiment with after-death contact.

3. Learn some Samhain songs and celebrate through music. If you don't have Halloween outings to attend, just stay in, have a glass of wine, and throw a Samhain party of one by listening to Samhain-themed songs to reflect on your spiritual year's ending. Music is always great!

4. Throw a pumpkin festival. If you are not planning on celebrating through spells or rituals, make a trip to a grocery store and get all the pumpkin types of food possible! Make pumpkin food recipes and gobble up your past year's celebration. Food is fun for everyone.

5. Skip the Pagan part of the day and trick or treat. If you're still in high school, go out with your friends. I'm not totally saying to throw away your Samhain night, but consider going out and enjoy all the free candy strangers are giving out. You can always celebrate when you get home, too!

6. Take time to reflect on your year and set up goals for what you want next year. This is a productive idea. Grab some paper and write about what went good and bad this year and ponder up some ways to improve your state of happiness later. Burn the paper and enjoy the rest of the night.